For Caroline Washam, bicycle racing has been a way of life - from when she was 10-years old racing BMX, to her professional downhill mountain bike racing debut at 27, to racing a World Cup at 30, racing has been the defining thread throughout.

After years of saying 'maybe next year' Caroline and her husband decided to let off the brakes, and take a chance on becoming parents.

In January 2022 I was recovering from an ankle surgery, and unsure what my racing future would look like when I found out I was pregnant.

I was immediately excited and already thinking ahead at what perfect timing it all was–we’d have a baby in September, heck maybe I could come back and race again in 2023.

But we quickly learned that this journey isn’t linear, nor predictable. At my first doctor’s appointment, 8 weeks gestation, there was no heartbeat detected. After taking medication multiple times to pass the miscarriage, I had to undergo surgery a month later.

Why am I including this in my story? Because it is a big part of my story, and one that’s not often discussed. I was devastated, and it had us questioning everything. Am I strong enough to try again? Am I strong enough to be a mom?

Months later, my ankle healing, and I was racing and winning again, but a few weeks later I was fighting brain fog. After testing negative for COVID-19, I decided to take a different test. It turned out, I was pregnant!

Excited? Yeah. Terrified? Yes. Full of anxiety? Definitely.

I had a schedule packed full with coaching and mountain bike events. I was going to ride Snowshoe and Whistler in the next two months. I started searching the internet for answers: 'What happens if you fall at 4-weeks pregnant?' 'Can you ride a rollercoaster while pregnant?' 'Are G-forces on a rollercoaster similar to riding downhill MTB?'

Google wasn't helpful.

I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone I was pregnant because I was terrified of having another miscarriage. So what to do? I stalked a few social media accounts of people who biked while pregnant. I read everything Rachel Atherton wrote, and listened to Sonya Looney's podcast like scripture.

I desperately wanted someone to tell me, "Yes, Caroline. You can jump a 20-foot table-top at 15 weeks pregnant." But no-one was going to tell me that, and I was alone in making those judgment calls. Keeping it a secret was hard, and isolating, but I got to know myself and my riding limits better than ever before.

I had to be completely confident in myself and my abilities, and know where to draw the line. I learned when to tell myself 'No.' and retrained my brain to take my natural competitiveness out of my riding. It's a lesson I carried with me into my postpartum journey.

I finally announced I was pregnant on social media. It was a relief. I felt like I could be my authentic self again, but I had new anxieties to contend with: Would I be judged for riding pregnant? Would riding become too uncomfortable? Why are my hands numb? Is everything okay with my baby? What would happen to my body during birth?

I realized I had felt similar fears before; when I was packing for a big race at a mountain I had never been on. It was the same feeling I got scoping a gnarly trail section, or sitting in the gate before dropping into a race run, a queasy feeling.

The nerves were not unlike what I felt while pregnant. So, I decided to approach the final weeks of pregnancy like I would any downhill race.

I hired a doula to be my 'coach' and got to 'training'. I signed up for Hypnobirthing classes, I listened to positive birth stories, I learned about visualization, and focused on learning to calm my mind. My fears about pregnancy and birth became things I could handle. I told myself 'This will not last forever. Months, days, hours... they will pass and at the end of it you will have a baby."

A baby. I would be a mom.